deep within me
maybe its love
|
Thursday, 26 February 2009 the real FUCKUP!
when i thot everything is resolved. ITS NOT.
AHHH FUCK!!! why did we even get into this FUCKING MESS! IM COMPLETELY AT A LOSS! you dont understand until u are in e story itself. so whoever u are, you ve no right to judge me and comment me like this. only e ppl ard me and him know best wad i went thru. its my blog, im blogging from MY side of view, MY feelings. why should i care abt e other things? why should i speak up for him when i have such great hatred for him then and anger inside me. if i dint, wouldnt this whole blog be so FAKE and SUPERFICIAL when im nt writing how i feel! i understand wad u were trying to say too. sometime things arent as easy as ABC. Monday, 23 February 2009 trying to work my arse off to distract myself from thinking about those stuff. apparently it dint work dat much uh. e cut is still so fresh. i tried my best to not even think about it. but e harder i tried, the more it dint work out. e slightest thing in life just reminds me of you. even e most disgusting creatures,cockroaches, underneath my blk. :/ like yes, wth. people say forgive and forget. wad if i cnt forgive? my friend told me love is just a game. every start of a relationship is e start of every game. it is played differently with different players each time. it comes with different rules and regulations. if u break the rules, u have to pay for e price. and its finally GAME OVER if u keep breaking e rules. true enough. i got some senses knocked into my head by some i would say, more "straightforward" friends which consoled me in a more "factual" way. they dont take sides and talked sense based on facts. it felt like they were telling me off. it really hurted a lot but it was damn true. it was hard for me trying to absorb wad they were saying. but i do know where they were coming from. i understand and i dont blame them. they just took a different approach in showing their concern. thanks guys anyway. :) to sum it all up, we are game over and why should i care about you? whats more im e one who let u go in e first place. okay, maybe i just felt cheated and i cnt take it lying down. but i have thot it over, nth is forever. times have changed, theres no such thing as who wait for who. and from this i realised, life goes on. you are enjoying time with ur new lover. why am i still standing here getting upset abt this whole thing and whats with all dat self pity?! NO MORE. i kept ur picture away into my drawer. and i told myself every mornin, forget the jerk. you lead ur life and i lead mine. our paths not to be crossed. yeah. sometimes i do feel the urge to click on your profile esp when e "da da da has changed his/her profile picture" appearing on facebook. but i stopped myself in fear of seeing what i dont want to see. but now, come to think of it again.. yes, why should i even care. its ur life and i shant probe into it. either am i interested. if u can put it down so swiftly, i believe i can too. separate ways. and so we bid goodbye Tuesday, 17 February 2009 who is the BIGGEST fool now? i couldnt believe wad i saw.
maybe its my retribution. you did awesome and certainly scored in fooling me. i will use it back to u, GOOD FOR YOU. -insert fake smiley-
我是大傻瓜 Monday, 16 February 2009 there goes valentine day. went to east coast park for roller blading followed by dinner at bedok 85 then pool at town and finally tau huay for supper with bunch of friends! :D friday the 13th was cursed. :/ (okay, maybe just the later part.) then lunched with babe was loved. :) headed for my last tutorial for e sem. goodbye mr pras. super awesome teacher. :D as the night falls, disasters await. people getting pissed at me. and me getting pissed with myself. good job.
Wednesday, 11 February 2009 yes. pathetic as it may seems. why is it that u can bloody enjoy life as before and here i am being so affected. maybe it just mean im nth to u in e first place.
HOKAY. SMILE JANICE AND PUT IT ALL BEHIND YOU. cos u are letting alot of ppl down. silly dumb dumb me. Monday, 9 February 2009 ice cream and sun therapy works. though the sun let me down ytd. :/ okay dats nt the main point. i really dread it when like things ended up so ugly and this is e last thing i want to see happening to us.. yet another heartbreak and tearing session. im still thinking wad are things gonna be like for me, for u, for us.
and so u said u Thursday, 5 February 2009 im sorry guys. i feel damn awful inside now and i know i got to let this out. this gonna be a hell lot of my thots. it takes me very long to think if i should post it or not. :/ sadly, there is no one i could really talk to abt all of this and someone to understand me. everytime i blog about smth upsetting, i noe many around me will step out and show their concern for me, tags with "im there for u" and stuff, messages asking if im fine. yesyes. i do know i have really awesome caring friends around me. but who can i really talk to abt personal matters and things dat are way too complicated.. how many will ever understand how u really feel? how many will actually be those who listen without judging u after listening? how many.. thanks utmost love for listening to some parts of it. and i noe u are one of them who dont judge me for wad i did. thanks. but i noe u have ur own troubles and i dont wish to bother u with my stuff. sometimes i think im too good at hiding my feelings. no one really can see that many things are happening around me and affecting me like crazy. i kept quiet. i kept things to myself. i always pretended i wasnt affected at all when its is. i pretended im fine when its hurting so badly inside. no one noes. i think im going crazy. u will see me all well on e surface..but deep inside im nt. for i dont just tell anyone wad im really thinking inside or how im really feeling. im sensitive and definitely not a straight forward person. another thing. as mentioned. ALOT of things had happened. so dont just ASSUME its wad u are thinking abt. and dont think u noe. :/ i hate being confronted at. especially when its things so personal. i really really dread having to answer to someone for smth i dint have to. why cnt i have my personal space to say wad i want without being asked, "hey, wads with the... or wads with ur blog entry.." if i dint post a clear cut entry, obviously it wasnt meant for u to understand. obviously only i will be the only want who FULLY understand it. so please dont assume or confront me abt my blog post. i wouldnt mind if u were just caring abt me.. but i hate it when there is a motive behind it. for like ur own purpose. first u say u re just concern abt me. then u say u wante clarify things after knowing wad happened. everything happened so fast and i dont see this coming AT ALL. before i could get anything into my mind..u asked for an answer. i was left dumbfound. wad am i to say? how will everything be like after wad i said. all i noe is my eyes were filled with tears, and im in fear of wad to say next. i need time to recover. the other u. u just left me hanging there.. i dont know wads going on.. maybe u have given up on me. and it just make me feel like im right, to u, im just like a substitute. to whom it may concern. u guys say u will wait. im scared of this word alr. WAIT. it just give me pressure. i dont noe how long u will have to wait for me. i dont know if i will still choose u in e end. i dont know what the future is like. i dont want things to happen in such a case where u waited long for me and i left for another guy in e end.. having u to feel like u wasted ur time on me.. and me feeling gulity towards u. all i want to say is.. i wont get myself into any relationship at the time being. i know im nt ready for it. idk if i sounded selfish. but i know i need to take this time to think over love matters carefully. let nature take its course. IM STILL FEELING DAMN AWFUL INSIDE! HELP! singlehood. Tuesday, 3 February 2009 i cnt get to sleep!!! ohgosh. anyway supposed to blog abt this last night but was busy with my revision. it got me goddamnit PISSED.
omg. wads wrg with her.. and my friend had to question her abt her intelligence. thanks awesome you. :) HOHOHO. but seriously, anyone with brain wouldn't print 100 plus dollar worth of notes right! zzz. i swear it scared e shit out of me. :/ alright. shant cry over spilt milk. LESSON LEARNT: never print notes outside of school and ATTEND LECTURES. LOL. RINKU dinner at glenny's place was GREAT. :D awesome people. awesome food. awesome photos. awesome fun. yeayea. too bad i gt to leave off early to lao da's place. :/ bet i missed out alot of fun. bahhh.. then went to wing tai to buy alcohol. the place is damn cool i swear. i dint even noe such place exist. thanks to brendon. :) OHOH! and we get to drink a shot of chivas! and damn i was teased at for being RED after drinking. ._. ITS GOOD BLOOD CIRCULATION CAN! HAHAS. stoopid cj. left ard 8 plus with xiuzhen. lao da's place was damn crowded. took tons of peektures again! :D then sent apple and cheryl off. WOOT. jerry bought us a tub of BEN AND JERRY EACH! OMG. THANKS JERRY. hohoho. :D played 5-10 and drank a lil here and there. tried bombay sapphire and i swear my pee smell like it after dat luh! LOL. then caught e last train to another friend's place for a lil while before cabbing home. :) when we have so much to say but nothing came out. |
LA BAMBINA JANICE HUAY ♥Im just an average girl next door ♥TP is my lovely second home ♥bluesuki2003@hotmail.com ♥Gemini ♥19 ♥sports, dance, music, sleeping ♥white&turquoise ♥family&friends ♥animals ♥im NICE & its so in my name! :D flash me a smile my friend and i will flash u mine! :) i wanne be the only hand you need to hold on to. & you know u're the one who keeps me smiling with those dimples. :) dancebabydance leave a note
|