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deep within me
maybe its love
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Wednesday, 2 July 2008 im physically & mentally tired.. maybe weng is right. my mentality aint as strong as i thot it was. i was again utterly disappointed with myself. :( i went for training today. yupp. miracle, some would say. hahas. but im really hanging there. i havent find my answer to why am i still staying on. main reason maybe cos the friends i made; & how encouraging & supportive they were. motivating each other. i like the way it is, being part of long dist. some train hard to take part in competition and win it. some have dreams to fulfil. and that is what keep them going on, striving for the better and improving. but me? im clueless. it was true i had passion for running since young. i love it when NAFA was here. it was my time to shine. and due to the fact dat my sec sch doesnt have track, when i first joined track in poly, i was all excited and full of motivation. big bird even say to me today: you WERE one of the top runners when u first joined. i realised. yupp. WERE. past tense. its all in the past. i gt to face up to reality. i still rmb short distance coach giving us motivational talk some time ago during track camp. she mentioned commitment and discipline. i thot thru.. and i realised i had none of both. i was feeling so lost. why am i here. why?! i wasnt at all committed. cos i dint come for all trainings. neither am i disciplined enough to make sure i go training often. ohman. and to put it crudely, im too complacent. i dint believe not going for training often would not affect my stamina much. but i was proven wrong. my speed & stamina dropped drastically. i was falling behind. and soon, my passion for track slowly died off. the thot of u must have wondered what caused me to have such sudden reflection abt track. obviously something happened and it kinda affected me. it may seems insignificant. but.. it just did. we were told to do sets of 800m today. coach told me 3 sets. and most of them including the juniors were told 4. a lot of things were going on in my head. i had to say this year batch of juniors are really good. and in fact better than me. but..somehow I was feeling so demoralised. i questioned myself. am i really lagging that behind. i dunnoe if u understand how i feel. but it just hurt terribly. and indirectly, its just indicating dat coach doesnt think well of me. and dat i couldnt perform. (i may interpret it wrongly, but at least dats how i feel and take it) i feel like killing myself right on the spot. the verge of breaking down.. but i know i cnt. it will only worsen his impression of me dat im a weakling. i had to be strong and instead take it as a "motivation" to work harder..just to prove him WRONG. i did 4sets in the end on my own will. and my best timing was 4.04mins. thanks big bird for motivating me and grace for asking me to fasten my turn over. :) however, he took no notice of it. i consoled myself & said, all i need to impress was myself. (obviously i was i wante scream on the top of my lungs!
unless i found my reason for staying..if not the "thot" will just keep coming thru. thankyou my lovely trackmates for caring.:) & i hope i dint bore you guys to death. i know i shouldnt be blogging all abt track. but..i need to get it off my chest. thanks for bearing with me. here are some peektures taken by adriel after track camp!
afterall its part of my life isnt it? |
LA BAMBINA
♥Im just an average girl next door ♥TP is my lovely second home ♥bluesuki2003@hotmail.com ♥Gemini ♥19 ♥sports, dance, music, sleeping ♥white&turquoise ♥family&friends ♥animals ♥im NICE & its so in my name! :D flash me a smile my friend and i will flash u mine! :) i wanne be the only hand you need to hold on to. & you know u're the one who keeps me smiling with those dimples. :) dancebabydance leave a note
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